Can Separated Couples Reconcile? Bringing about Reconciliation after Separation

This is Part 3 of a 4 part series on separation. You can read Part 1, and 2 on Heart Talk.

man and woman embracing with sorrow in their eyes — Photo by Kenny Eliason

The question that hangs in the air after a separation occurs is, “Can separated couples reconcile? Is it really possible? Are there success stories of couples who have done this? And how is bringing about a reconciliation possible when only one person wants this outcome?”

For the person who wants the marriage to be restored after separation, these are heartrending questions, often blighted by feelings of hopelessness and despair. But contrary to what many believe, there IS hope for the marriage to be reconciled. Surprisingly, if you are that spouse who wants to see your marriage restored, you can begin the process of turning your marriage around even with a partner who has no interest in reconciling.

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of giving space, creating safety, giving it time, taking responsibility, and speaking positive words. This is how to begin the process and set the stage if reconciliation is to occur.

The idea, however, of one person in the marriage being able to turn the marriage around by themselves after separation may seem an impossibility. How can separated couples reconcile when only one person in the marriage wants that to happen?

While your first inclination may be to focus on how your spouse needs to change and how to resolve issues, the more valuable focus should be on how to build up your spouse through your prayers, words, and actions. Ephesians 4:29 asks us to “build others up according to their needs.” Pray for God to help you take a compassionate look at your spouse to better understand his or her needs. Step back and look at the dynamics that have typically taken place in your marriage. Is there an imbalance in the way decisions are made? Are your partner’s concerns being heard in marital discussions? What is your spouse’s fears, hopes, and dreams? Do you understand what your spouse needs emotionally to feel loved? What is important to her? What is he proud of? What makes your spouse feel discouraged or hopeful?

Answering these questions may give you a better understanding of your spouse’s needs so you know how to approach your spouse, alter your behavior, and speak words of encouragement when you are together. Instead of talking about issues at this point, when you have contact, create an atmosphere of safety between you.

Pray

In humility, pray for God to show you your part in the marital impasse. Ask others for their honest input on changes they think you should make—not to become what your spouse wants you to be, but to become the best YOU God created you to be. Find some good Christian books to help you with this too. At the same time, guard your heart. Give your heart into God’s care where He can keep it safe while God brings healing to both your hearts. Proverbs 4:23 wisely tells us to, “Guard your heart for the heart is the wellspring of life.” By giving this time to God, He can strengthen your heart and open your eyes to any changes He wants to make in you. With the strength God gives you, it will be easier to respond more positively to your spouse so you can begin interacting in a safe environment.

Pray also for your spouse—not just that he or she will want to return to you, but that they will know more of God’s grace and have a meaningful encounter with Jesus. When they can heal emotionally and fully understand the love and fulfillment God can bring to their lives, they will then have more love to give to you. Someone who is empty has little to give to another. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “God is love.” ^“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

Identify Negative Dynamics in Your Marriage

Try to identify out-of-balance dynamics and negative reactionary circles that have kept your marriage off balance and discover ways to correct them. If you do this, you can start redirecting negative exchanges into positives whenever you have contact with your mate.

One of the surprising realities of relational transformation can be seen when one person decides to respond differently to their spouse during a time of conflict instead of reacting in the usual way that tends to advance a continued cycle of negativity and conflict. When one person disrupts the typical pattern of conflict by responding differently, the reaction of the other person must change also. The circular dynamics of conflict are altered and the relational exchange spins out in a new direction. In this way, one person can turn the relationship in a new direction by finding more effective ways to communicate. Here are a few possibilities:

Listen to your spouse without interrupting even if you disagree with what they are saying.
Be aware of your own negative body language or tone of voice.
Accept and validate your spouse’s feelings and experience without judging.
Respond with positive words of encouragement and reassurance.
Be willing to take a time out instead of pressing your point.

Let Go of Your Expectations

Finally and most importantly, surrender your marriage to God. Let go of it. Put it in His hands. This is the hardest part of the process, but the most necessary. God has answers for you and your mate that you don’t have. He sees the big picture. He knows what each of you needs for your marriage to be restored. With your heart safely in God’s protection, you can experience a new peace. When you let go and surrender it all to God, He can put together all the missing pieces. Then, when positive interactions and safe environments begin to take place between the two of you, you may slowly begin to experience enjoyable times together.

If and when you come to a point when you both want to reconcile, proceed carefully and resist the temptation to move back in together too soon. Listen to one another, encourage one another, and take your spouse’s concerns seriously. Meet with a counselor or attend a peer program like Retrouvaille or Marriage 911 to acquire the necessary tools to successfully mesh your lives back together again. As evangelist Jimmy Sowder used to say, “Always remember: we cannot rush God in His timing, but we sure can delay it.”

Can Separated Couples Reconcile?

Can separated couples reconcile? Has it been done before? Can I give examples?

Absolutely, yes. My husband and I are just one example of a couple with a resurrected marriage who reconciled after three years of separation. And now in the marriage ministry we have lead for the past twelve years, we have seen many other marriages reconcile as well. You can read several of their stories in my new book, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated, others on my Heart Talk blog, and you can find more of my own story in my first book, Broken Heart on Hold.

So can separated couples reconcile? Yes, they can. Saving a marriage after separation may take a while as you dig beneath the chaos so reconciliation can take place. But if you are growing as a person and in your understanding of God’s great love for you, and if you are allowing God to guard your heart, the waiting may bring unexpected blessings.

Next week: Fighting For Your Marriage While Separated – pulling it all together.

If you want to save your marriage, Fighting for Your Marriage while Separated by Linda W. Rooks will give you the practical help you need to guide you through the complexities and confusion of a separation. Reconciliation is possible–even if you’re fighting for your marriage alone.