The Hardest Part of Those Wedding Vows

STANDING AT THE FRONT of the church, I gazed into my husband’s eyes and repeated our wedding vows—promises that would join our lives together in marriage.

“I Linda take thee, Marvin, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do we part.”

My heart raced with excitement and love. I would spend a lifetime with this man I was crazy in love with. It was a beautifully surreal moment, a moment wrapped in love and wonder.

Saying the Vows

When we get married and say those marriage vows, it’s a promise.  A sweet looking-ahead to a life together. A hope-filled uniting of hearts and lives.

Later the challenges come. The “richer or poorer.” The “sickness and health.”  The “better or worse.”

And, yes, they all came.

We made it through the “richer or poorer” in the first part of our marriage, living from paycheck to paycheck when I had to juggle the bills to decide which ones had to be paid first and which ones could be delayed a bit. Living on “how many ways I can use hamburger meat and hot dogs for dinner” when Marv was in law school.  Scrimping at the grocery store as I literally counted out the pennies before heading to the check-out stand. Months when clients were late in paying, meaning we were late in paying bills too. But we made it through – joyfully as I repeated my mantra that “everyone has problems and if I have to have a problem I’d rather it be financial than something else.”

Throughout our years together we also limped through the challenges of “sickness and health”, neither of us knowing what we were doing, but trying to meet the other’s needs. When I had a hip replacement, Marv took care of me, even by giving me injections for a period of time. In our later years, I took on the role of nurse and care giver as Marv experienced a series of health issues.

While the “better or worse” gave us some wonderful “betters,” it also brought some horrifically awful “worse” times when Satan’s arrows attacked our marriage and tore it apart through three years of separation. God won the battle, however, and saved our marriage as I hung on for dear life to His promises and listened to His voice so I could navigate the lonely and circuitous road of heartache and brokenness. Meanwhile, Marv slowly allowed God’s truth to undo the lies of the enemy about our separation, and we came back together for over 20 more years of a loving marriage and sixteen years of ministry to hurting couples.  And true to God’s promise in Romans 8:28, two books resulted from our “worse,” which have helped thousands of people in broken marriages. God was more than victorious in the battle.

The Line We Don’t Think About

So, yes, we made it through the challenges. We outlasted the attacks. But somehow the last line of the marriage vows alluded us.  The “until death do we part” line.  It was merely the period at the end of a sentence, the exclamation mark to emphasize our lasting love and faithfulness.

We thought “until death do we part” was merely a promise of faithfulness throughout our lives, a beautiful look into the future of our togetherness. Yes, we’ll go through the hard times, but we’ll do it together. And our love will endure. It’s about commitment. In that traditional vow we focus on what we are committing to — living life together regardless of the circumstances. We don’t focus on that last line “until death do we part.” That line is mainly there to show the depth and extent of the commitment.

But one day that last line becomes our reality. Death comes to one of us.

And we part.

We go separate paths.

One of us slips through the earthly dimension of this world and departs into eternity.  This time we go separate ways. We cannot experience the parting together, and the shock flips our world upside down.  The one left behind sifts through the fog of a new reality where the oneness of two lives has separated into two and we have become only one once again – all by ourselves. We struggle to understand the parting, we long to connect to the reality of this new dimension where our loved one now resides.

While we celebrate the beauty of Christ’s  redemption and the new life in heaven for our mate, the one left behind forges a new path forward in this life here on earth. We have parted. The person we have walked beside for so many years, the person we’ve lived life with, talked things over with, made decisions with, laughed with, shared memories with, argued with at times, is no longer in our life.

Those marriage vows we took long ago have come full circle. And we have to learn once more how to live as one. Reluctantly, we face each new day. It becomes a time for us to hold on, take one step at a time and allow God’s peace to settle our hearts so we can look back over the years and slowly emerge from the shock with a fuller understanding of who we are. If we’re still here, God has a purpose for us.

We have a new beginning. A new chapter of our lives has begun. We have the benefit of lessons learned, an intimate life experience with another that has enriched the fabric of who we are. What has he or she contributed to our lives? How have they made us a better person? As we recognize these things, we honor them and take them with us into this new phase of our lives. The memories will sweeten whatever challenges that lie ahead. Their character  strengths will gird us up. Their little idiosyncrasies will no longer irritate but make us smile.

One day we will take that walk into eternity too. Meanwhile God stands near ready to take our hand and lead us into the next chapter of our time on earth. Perhaps God will also use the memories of our spouse to gently lift our gaze toward heaven and to our Savior so we become more heaven minded, shifting our priorities from the things of earth to those things that will endure in our future heavenly home.

And for those who are still together with their mate, embrace each other. Don’t take these years for granted. Be patient, loving and forgiving. You are blessed to have each other.

If you are one of those still blessed to have your mate, but are struggling to find hope for the troubled relationship you now have together, I encourage you to check out my book, Broken Heart on Hold.

AND TO MY SUBSCRIBERS: Thanks for your patience as I’ve had to move and rebuild my website. It’s been a challenging experience, but everything is good once more. I will once again be sending out new posts on a bi-monthly basis. Thanks for sticking with me! In the future, if one of the posts touches you in some way, please feel free to comment. I always love to hear from you.