To Forgive or Not To Forgive

Ever since Saturday before last when we all heard Erika Kirk’s amazing words of forgiveness for the man who shot and killed her husband, many of our heads have been spinning with questions and incredulity.

How could she forgive him? And why should she even try? If anyone has the right to not forgive, she certainly qualifies.

We are in awe. Forgiveness is hard. Even in small matters. But particularly in matters of brutality and betrayal.

So why? And how?

As Christians, we know God has commanded us to forgive. Even in the Lord’s Prayer, we acknowledge His command every time we repeat, “And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us . . .”

But it’s hard to follow through with that. Even lesser grievances can hold some of us hostage to unforgiveness.

For Erika, I believe that as a woman who takes God’s words seriously, she understood the deeper implications of NOT following them. In choosing to follow the teachings of Jesus and surrendering her heart to His will, she appreciated the subtle deceits of unforgiveness and the dangers unforgiveness  can bring to our hearts and lives. In forgiving the man who killed her husband, she found freedom.

She was a living example for us, and that’s why we grapple with the subject today. It challenges us to examine our own hearts to see if we have traces of unforgiveness lurking there.. And if so, what to do with it.

The Danger of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is deceitful. Initially, it feels like a protective shield  to guard our hearts and punish the person who wronged us. But gradually the unforgiveness sits in our hearts and festers – not into something that hurts the other person, but into something that has the power to hurt us.

Recently, a friend told me that at one time in her life she’d been so bound up with unforgiveness that it actually caused her to become mentally ill for a while. She was even temporarily institutionalized.

It was a shocking revelation that jolted me into examining my own life and thinking more about unforgiveness and how it can impact each of our lives.

It begins, of course, when we feel someone hurts us or wrongs us in some way. And while feelings of anger may be legitimate, Ephesians 4:26-27 gives us a warning.  “In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Unforgiveness begins as a simmering anger that grows and grows, an anger we nurture in our hearts and minds. But Paul’s warning above is that by allowing it to fester within us, we are “giving the devil a foothold.” We are opening ourselves up to the devil’s schemes to “kill, steal, and destroy”  (John 10:10). And one way he tries to destroy us is by planting seeds of bitterness within us because he knows the damage bitterness can do to our souls. And that bitterness often evolves from unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness doesn’t just happen out of thin air. We have reasons for not being able to forgive. We’ve been hurt. Maybe deeply hurt. And wronged. Unforgiveness seems a way to protect ourselves from more hurt and a way to inflict justice on the one who hurt us. Our pain blinds us from the deeper truth that the bitter root of unforgiveness spreading through our minds and hearts gives a foothold to the devil to steal our peace and joy and ravage our very souls (and perhaps our sanity.)

The Reason for Forgiveness

It’s hard to forgive. It’s hard to move beyond the pain when someone hurts, wrongs, or betrays us. Even the thought of forgiving them curdles in our veins. That person doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. He or she deserves to feel our anger. But the more that root of anger deepens into bitterness, the more our peace evaporates. Paul instructs us on this in Heb. 12:15.  “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Jesus tells us to forgive others, not to punish us or make things hard for us, but to bring us freedom. He demonstrated the humility and the power of forgiveness even as he hung on the cross, asking God to forgive those who were crucifying him at that very moment.  And after he triumphed over death, he offered His forgiveness to us even though our sins are many.

As she fought back tears in that moment of relinquishment, Erika Kirk demonstrated this to us as she stood before millions of people at her husband’s memorial. The crowd erupted in applause at her courage because many of them, as Christians, knew how excruciatingly hard it was, but the incredible freedom it also brings.

Forgiveness provides a road to freedom and peace when we take our pain to our loving Father and lay it at His feet. He promises to bind up the wounds of our heart and heal the brokenhearted (Psalm 147:3). And He will fulfill that promise to each of us as we follow His lead and trust Him for healing.

How To Find the Freedom

If this is a particularly hard subject for you, and the idea of forgiving just seems too hard to do, I understand. I’ve been there, and in traversing this road I’ve discovered a better way to understand how forgiveness really works. It’s not as simple as it seems, but there’s a way that even you can take this difficult walk into the freedom that it brings if you’ve been deeply wounded. If this is where you are, and you want to better understand how to be able to forgive, I urge you to read my Focus on the Family article, Understanding Forgiveness. It may clarify things for you and make it easier for you to get to a peaceful place.

God wants you to experience the freedom only He can give. He wants to give you His peace and joy.

If your heart is breaking and you’re finding it hard to forgive, my first book, Broken Heart on Hold will walk with you through your pain and help you find that road to peace.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23).

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).